


I Will Still Love You

by TrohmansMelodies



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Hiatus, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trohley - Freeform, mention of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-23 11:48:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8326732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrohmansMelodies/pseuds/TrohmansMelodies
Summary: A look into the minds of Joe and Andy during the hiatus.





	1. Right Now (Joe)

_It can't be anytime past 3am yet._

_Today’s the second week I've stayed with you, but you don’t seem to be doing much better. You still sleep all day, I had to bring you up your lunch and dinner._   
_You didn't want breakfast._

_You think that I don't know that you cried today._   
_You think that I was out, running errands._   
_I'm so scared for you._

_You don’t want me to worry, but I can't help it. I don’t want to lose you._   
_I can’t lose you._

_If I lose you, I don't know if I'll even be able to function._   
_You’re my best friend._   
_I love you._

_My god, do I love you._   
_You have no idea how important you are to me, how much I love you._   
_I wish every day that I could take these thoughts away from you, these thoughts of killing yourself and of ending your life. These thoughts that haunt you, every thought that tells you that you're unloved and useless. I want to take it all away, I want to give you every memory I have of you. I want to show you how deeply I have fallen in love with you over the past seven years. Every beautiful laugh, every brilliant smile, and everytime I thought to myself that I couldn’t be luckier._

_Right now, with your warm cheek pressed to my collarbone, I couldn't be luckier._

_I made you shower yesterday, and your hair is still soft._   
_You keep stealing my sweatshirts out of my suitcase, but I don't mind. You seem to sleep more easily when you wear them. You still have my blue hoodie from the bus._   
_I liked it better on you anyways._

_I have the overwhelming fear that I'm not enough for you, that I can't help you enough._  
 _I don't know how to be better for you._  
 _I hope that this is enough._


	2. Saviour (Andy)

_I don't deserve you._   
_I don't deserve you._   
_I don't deserve you._

_You have sacrificed everything for me. You didn't need to move to Portland. You didn't need to keep an eye on me. You didn't need to give up every goddamn liberty you had._   
_But you did all of it._   
_For me._

_I wish this was easier. I wish I could just fix myself. I don't want to drag you through any of this. I'm trying so hard to get better, but I don't know how._

_It's not your fault._   
_I actually think you might’ve saved my life._

_I want to be able to tell you I love you. I can't let myself love you, I can't accept the fact that I do love you. I don't want to hurt you._   
_You shouldn't have to take care of me like this._   
_I should be able to get myself out of bed, make myself my own food, I should be able to have a regular routine of shaving and showering._   
_Over the past month, you've laid out my life for me._

_You are my godsend. You have given me something to cling to, you've given me hope and love and faith. You are my saving grace._   
_I could not be more undeserving of you._

_Right now, while you're making dinner, I couldn't be more undeserving of you._   
_I take and take and take from you. I take your time, I take your warmth, and I take your love. All I give you is trouble and grief and fear._   
_I'm not worth it._

_I'm not worth it, but you never make me feel that way. You are the best thing to ever happen to me._

_I've never believed in angels, but I think you might be one._   
_I love you with everything that I have._   
_You are my entire world._   
_I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it._


	3. I Won't Lose (Joe)

_I regret going home for Hanukkah.  
I should've never left you alone. I'm so stupid._

_I'm so so so fucking sorry._

_I nearly got sick when you called me crying. I could barely understand you, you were talking so fast and everything was so muddled; I didn't know what was wrong.  
You kept saying you were sorry, that you just got scared and you weren't thinking and it just got out of hand._

_I think my heart might've stopped when you whispered “I nearly did it” from the other end of the line._

_I was on the next flight back to Portland._

_I don't think I've been paying attention. I'm driving back to the house from the airport. The taxi feels like it might break down at any moment, like it’ll just give up and quit.  
It might just be me._

_I don't want to give up on you, I'll never give up on you._

_I just hope to god that this never happens again._   
_I won't leave you alone like that again.  
I can't lose you._


	4. I've Never Heard You Cry (And I Don't Want To Ever Again) (Andy)

_I made you cry today._  
_I think I yelled at you_.  
_I don't remember it very well._

_I think I've gone insane. I regret ever opening my mouth in front of you. I regret what I said.  
You've done everything for me, and all I do for you is make you upset._

_Today, you told me your mom has a brain tumour._  
_Today, for the first time in four months, I told you to go back home. I told you that she's more important than I am, that she needs you._  
_I don't know why I lost my temper._  
_Today, I screamed at you. I asked you if you really thought you were helping me._

_I didn't mean to make you cry._

_You went down to the basement, slamming the door at the bottom of the stairs. I think you broke your guitar stand, I think that's what you threw at the wall. I heard you talking to someone, I think it might've been Pete._

_I've never heard you cry like that before. You sounded scared, you kept telling him that you're scared for me._

_I don't want you to be scared._  
_I think I'm getting better._  
_Today was just a bad day._  
_Tomorrow will be better._  
_I promise._


	5. Warm Coffee and Warmer Smiles (Joe)

_I played guitar for you.  
I actually played for myself at first, but when you came down into the basement and sat down on the floor with your coffee, I began playing for you._

_The steam from your mug fogged up your glasses, your overcast eyes hiding behind the clouds.  
I could feel myself being pulled deeper into the abyss of pure, raw, unconditional love._

_I kissed you for the first time._   
_It wasn't anything special, it was just on your cheek._   
_But I could feel you smiling._

_The blush ran across your face, evident against the natural pallor you've had your entire life. A toothy grin sent shivers across my skin, sparking something inside of me._

_I felt like I had been kicked in the gut.  
But in the best possible way._

_It's been four months since I was able to hear you laugh._   
_Not just any laugh._   
_I heard your laugh._

_I think you're getting better._   
_I hope you're getting better._   
_I love you._


	6. Eskimo Kisses (Andy)

_We went on a date tonight._  
_I was nervous, mostly because I haven't left the house in months, besides to go to therapy._  
_I'm so lucky to have you._

_We went to the movies, but I don't remember what was happening because I was too busy holding your hand.  
You drove us to the park afterwards, and we sat on the bench for a few minutes._

_I'm not the type to kiss on the first date.  
But I think I know you well enough._

_I could feel your fingers playing with my hair, the rough pads of your fingertips pressing on the back of my neck. It was gentle, innocent, filled with love and sincerity._

_I felt so happy._

_I hope I can love you in the way you deserve to be loved._


	7. Flurry, Flurry (Joe)

_There was a snowstorm last night.  
This morning, the house was freezing, I could see my breath in the mirror when I brushed my teeth._

_We ate breakfast in the living room._  
 _I'm sorry that your toast was burnt._  
_I just wasn't able to focus today._

_I didn't have to wake you up today. You were out by 10:30._   
_You showered. Without me having to tell you.  
I'm so proud of you, baby._

_I wish I could stop thinking for a minute, so I can tell you how proud I am._

_My mom has gotten worse. I should go home, but I don't want anything to happen._  
_Your toast was burnt because I couldn't stop thinking about her, about what is going to happen._

_She’s dying._

_I think I need to take a walk, to try and clear my mind._   
_I don't want you to hear me crying.  
I don't want to upset you._


	8. Choked (Andy)

_I think you're getting sick._  
_You woke up with a fever of 102°._  
 _I'm sorry this is so difficult. I'm putting a lot more stress on you than I ever intended to._  
 _I'm sorry._

_I think you might have a lung infection. You keep coughing and you say that it's getting harder to breathe.  
You haven't smoked in almost six months, you quit before you moved in with me._

_You say you can't kiss me, you're worried about getting me sick.  
The only one who should be worried is me._

_I'm going to take you to the hospital in the morning, to make sure that it's nothing serious.  
I'm scared that it's going to get worse._

_I think I might be getting worse._


	9. I Need You (Joe)

_I thought you were getting better._

_You were taken to the hospital today._  
_I don't know what the hell happened._

_I woke up late, and you were already out of bed. I came downstairs and I couldn't find you anywhere. I spent nearly an hour looking for you, I looked all over the house._

_At 12:36pm, I got a call from you._

_You told me you were at the bridge going over the river near the park.  
I could hear the traffic in the background, the honking of cars and semis and I could hear you breathing._

_You were crying, asking me why I was trying so hard to help you._ _You told me that you weren't worth it, that I was wasting my time. You kept saying “they aren't working.”_  
_You kept yelling, but I was too busy trying to get you to calm down._  
_“_ ** _I can't fucking do this anymore. I want it to be over with. I feel worse than ever. I'm so fucking sick of this, of dragging myself through each day, avoiding every fucking impulse I have because I want to kill myself. And I do want to kill myself, and I'm so sorry if it makes you upset, but I can't lie to you. Therapy isn't fucking working, my medications aren't doing shit anymore, and every morning I wake up and I just feel fucking empty. I feel starved of happiness, like I've never tasted joy in my entire fucking life. I've tried so fucking hard to ignore it all, because there's a part of me that does want to get better. I feel like there's nothing left for me, like there's nothing left of me. You are the last thing I have. You've wasted seven months of your life trying to fix me. I am so fucking broken, I'm so fucking flawed and useless, and I've been trying so hard to get better. I want to be able to love you without feeling guilty about the fact that I basically manipulated you into loving me. I have no fucking idea why you even bother with me, I’m just a pathetic excuse of a man. I'm not going anywhere in life, not anymore. I'm about three seconds away from just fucking throwing myself off of this fucking bridge. I can't take this anymore, Joe. I'm fucking done. I'm so sorry._** _”_

_I've never been so fucking relieved to hear sirens in my entire life._

_You come home in a week, you've been put on suicide watch at the hospital._

_I'm gonna see my mom._


	10. Chained (Andy)

_I fucked up._  
_I just don't know why I'm acting like this.  
You don't deserve this._

_I made a mistake. I let things get out of hand. I've become this cynical, shallow person. I've become the person who can't look at himself in the mirror anymore, the person who can't stand the sound of his own voice.  
The hospital was a nightmare. The constant sound of shoes scuffing on the linoleum kept me up at night. I felt like a criminal, the officers and guards posing as nurses and doctors. I wasn't allowed to be alone, every move I made was recorded and catalogued, archived and saved for “future reference.” I felt like I was being judged, every conversation was an interrogation, every question became an accusation._

_I understand why Pete hated it now._

_“How are you doing?”  
I've learned to  hate that greeting._

_You didn't say anything the entire ride home. I could feel the tension in the air, the anger seething from your skin.  
You have every right to be angry._

_I've been home for nearly a day and I still can't look at you._  
_You've been sleeping in the guest room._  
 _I fucked up so badly, baby.  
I'm so sorry._


	11. Repeat (Joe)

_If I hear you say “I'm sorry” one more fucking time, I'm going to punch you straight in the fucking nose._

_I don't want a fucking apology.  
I want change._

_You trying to fucking kill yourself isn't something that you can apologize for.  
Every second word out of your mouth is “sorry.”_  
_Sorry_.  
_Sorry_.  
**_Sorry_**.

_Do you understand how this is affecting me?_  
_I am sick._  
_My mother is dying._  
_I am spending all of my time and energy trying to help you, and you are being ignorant and stubborn._  
_I can't keep giving and giving and giving for you, Andy._

_I can't take this kind of pressure anymore._

_The last fucking thing I want to do is take you back to the hospital for a temporary residency._  
_That doesn't mean I won't do it._  
 _You say you want to get better._  
_Start fucking acting like it._


End file.
